Jaye Lewis at the age of Seventeen
"WONDERFULLY MADE"
I
was supposed to be nothing. That was the plan.
When I was nine years old my father screamed into my face,
“You are nothing but a failure! You will never be anything!
You will be nothing as long as you live!!!” I believed him.
I forgot that I was created by a loving God who
“knit me together in my mother’s womb.” Psalm 139.
Not wanting to disappoint my father I worked hard at being “nothing.”
I stopped studying for my classes in school.
I stopped dreaming the
dreams
that could shape my future, and I barely scraped by.
When I was in seventh grade I overheard my parents talking about
how wonderful life would be for them if I had never been born.
I, being the youngest, would be out of the way, and
they would be free
to follow their dreams.
I believed them. I forgot that
"even should my mother forget me, God will never forget me for
He has
carved me in the palm of His hand." Isaiah 49.
At age twelve I started reading the Bible,
which was a forbidden book according to the religion of my childhood.
I began to believe in the God of the Bible and of His great love for me.
Somewhere in the midst of my pain I began to seriously write.
I wrote about my thoughts and feelings. I had no one else to share my
thoughts, so I began to write and talk to God. I did not fully understand
that
“I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Psalm 139.
My ninth grade teacher insisted on writing on my report card
that I had much “general” knowledge but no “specific” knowledge.
I still don’t understand what that means.
She assured my mother that I would “never become anything,
continuing on this course.” Devastated by this judgment,
I believed my teacher, and I continued on my course,
reading and studying on my own, and I continued
to acquire more worthless “general knowledge.”
Years came and went, and darkness was all around me,
but there in the darkness I found the light of God’s presence.
He was always there. Always comforting. Giving me Himself to lean on.
He convinced me of the truth about His unfailing presence in Psalm 139.
“Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the
sea,
even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, ‘Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night
around me, even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine
like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.’”
I began to believe that even if I did not know God, He knew me.
There was darkness in my life. I had no one to believe in me,
but little by little I learned that God did.
I stumbled through many a “valley of the shadow,” as I read in Psalm 23.
Soon He proved to me that I need not run from Him. He is my friend.
Through God’s healing grace I made a choice to be different.
In being hurt I could choose to heal. In being lonely I could become a
comfort.
In spite of my fears of failure I could encourage others to succeed.
I could be a woman of honor. A woman of truth. I could change my course.
I could write down all of the contents of my heart,
and God would listen and understand.
Oh how I wish that I had sought God from the beginning.
Oh how wonderful to know that He sought me.
I wish that I had grown up in a Godly home.
I wish that in my teens there had been someone to influence my life
and help me to change my course.
I remember vividly the pain and loneliness of my teenage years.
I did not understand then just how much God loved me.
Now I know.
I can honestly testify that my present happiness and fulfillment
has come from God, and no one else.
God has brought me into the pleasant pasture of my middle years.
He has blessed me with my wonderful husband, my beautiful daughters,
and my precious friends.
He has taken all of the sorrows of my life,
and He has translated them into the blessings that I write about in this
book. There are many souls who have blessed my life during this process,
but God is the one who has brought me here.
Today my world is filled with things and people that I love.
Although adversity still comes my way,
I know that I can count on God to see me through.
Every day I look for opportunities to be alone with God;
this time I recognize Him with all my heart and I thank Him for
every blessing.
As I look back on my teen years, I realize what a great gift it was
to spend those lonely days and nights with Him.
He has taught me that the ugly words which others speak about me,
say more about them, than they say about me.
I do my best to not listen to negativity.
My
Heavenly Father declares in the Bible that
I am “fearfully and wonderfully made.”
I believe Him.
I am wonderful! Totally unique!
God expects great things from me, and
He has given me the grace to expect them from myself.
© Jaye Lewis, 2004
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